Pt.1: A letter to Doors fans and seplling snobs / Pt.2: A letter from Santa to Andy

Dear Doors fans and English Grammar Purists,

This is in reference to an article written for Sock Monkey Sound regarding The Doors.  Those unaware, click here, and then come on back.

I recently received a telegram from the underworld (shared below) as well as many comments about spelling Manzarek’s first name wrong.  I referred to Ray Manzarek as Phil Manzarek;  it was intentional, rooted in reference from a jazz review on The Doors that actually called Ray, Phil. I will not apologize. See reason #1 in the article for the tip-off thought:  I clearly state: 1)   The Doors have individual names that make the skin cringe. The thought of typing them out as I’m about to or watching one of them (Manzarek, a wanna-be jazz man) talking in music DVD commentaries encourages remote control spasms.  ‘Spasms’ should have alerted you to obvious typos. That should have been your first hint but there’s a great possibility if you’re a die-hard Doors fan, you were too high to remember you just read that line seconds before.  People who smoke lots of weed tend to forget details, time, showering.

What got me is that no one seemed to be concerned with Layne Staley’s name being wrong too.  Even after one of Sock Monkey’s in-house editors took note of the fact I assumed he was alive. I did intentionally spell the dead, frontman’s name wrong from Alice In Chains’ band. Mr. Stanley is actually Mr. Staley, I prefer Stanley, it’s funnier.  Lance Stanley is a great name for anyone preparing to give birth to a human boy.

Besides those two obvious ones,  Phil and Stanley, I’m worried more about what Mr. Stanley thinks about my spelling; he is a friend of Satan and both can not stand bad spelling at all.  There is no room for bad spelling in hell, they are very picky. Word recently came from the underground that I am not to worry about what dead, drug addict, miserable rock stars think of my seplling or my opinions.

I offer this following thought though in return to a few heated grammar and Doors’ complaints:

1)  Write your own f*cking article about how great The Doors are if it bothers you that much that this writer took the time to tell you they’re terrible.  Tell me, other readers, what makes them so great to you.  I will read openly;  but first you’ll have to take the time to write such.

2) To spell checkers;  go back to school to earn you degree in English and then go get that proof-reading job. Get paid 20k a year, at least, if you can even find the job.  Then, get fired and figure out how to write, find your own voice, rather than proof other peoples grammar… live a little, find your own voice, dare yourself to share it.  About 1% of 1 of you will.

Take the same amount of time it takes to be angry over the words I chose to behead your bloated, overrated, rock band; or the names I chose to intentionally spall wrong.  I welcome your words with open eyes. I enjoy all opinions, makes living on this God awful planet awfully entertaining.

Go for it- or just deal with getting whorehalled.â„¢

Proceeding.  Here is a copy of the letter Santa just sent me from paradise about spelling, dead rock stars, masterplans that the underworld’s generals, sergeants, corporals and captains have devised to make sure we’re all doomed anyway.

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Orange

Dearest Andrew,

Some concerns from earth have been addressed to us here in paradise. The addicts and wily teenagers who love music by The Doors, Pearl Jam, Alice In Chains, Disturbed, etc. (many more that work for me) have been angered by spelling & opinions on one of our cultural arts leaders here in hell, Sgt. James Morrison. We’ve addressed this with James to see how we should deal with you, your opinions, and those who think you spell wrong.  Sgt. Morrison has pardoned you, he mentioned at this morning’s board meeting, we’ll deal with him when he arrives. Bring me my whores & my weed, Janis, now. I on the other hand have higher hopes for you, Mr. Whorehall.  You’re not hell worthy yet.

Regarding your spelling; the english language, manuals for grammar, are changing daily. Enough so that your spelling needs no updating compared to the reconstructive state of the English language.  Acronyms & ebonics have destroyed proper grammar. I’d like to say I can take credit for that. I appointed Capt. Kerouac some time ago to come up with a plan to destroy the language from two approaches:  1) attack from the poorest American neighborhoods and towns;  and 2) attack from the computer screen. Together, Technology & The Ghetto are rewriting the English language and destroying mankind’s future for proper communication with other lifeforms beyond the underworld. Your misspellings are pedestrian.  We have altogether, separate, worries for you.

You have the makings of a General here in paradise but your associations with earth’s simpletons are holding you back.  We feel you could be an asset spreading our word but a few traits are preventing you from going full blown evil.  Your ability to disassociate yourself from simpletons, their dreams and ambitions, are encouraging.  Of the many things you loathe like acronyms and technology, you also loathe drugs, babies, teachers and nurses, which we do not agree with.

Teachers and nurses are one of our favorite suppliers for spreading evil.  Both think they should be paid & treated better, and both have striking ‘God’ like complexes when it comes to wanting what’s best for humans they did not create.  We here in hell love this about both, they affect the future and we need you to stop reminding them they don’t have it so bad.  We get it, but shhh.  We want the majority of each profession to be miserable;  unhappy teachers heightens the chances for a doomed future— score!  Satan 1, Mother Nature 0, is the score we’d like to see but Mother Nature is killing us right now with natural disaster mind tricks;  attacking areas of earth humans should know better than to reside on.

Seriously, Andrew, stop telling them they get 12 months worth of pay to work 10 average compared to other professions.  Stop telling them they get great retirement plans, most professions get nothing.  Stop telling them they earn sabbaticals in many higher ed. situations, most professions can’t spell sabbatical.  Basically, let them complain, it’s a plan we’ve been perfecting here for decades.

In regards to drugs, if you’re going to get to hell trying to self-destruct, you must partake in something intentionally harmful to help destroy you from within. Eating unwashed vegetables doesn’t count. The weakest genetic spot we can find in your file are hot brunettes— and some do not shower.

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Capt.

Operating from here in hell, Capt. Kerouac & Sgt. Morrison’s plans are working like a long-lasting disease that multiplies with each new generation of idiots that forget to shower or use soap.  Finally we can just sit back now and enjoy the show. Acronyms & ebonics combined are hilarious! We never knew they’d converge at some point, or did we?  Thank me and my team, and good day.

We hope to see you soon, Mr. Whorehall. I, Santa & his dead, addict elves, await your arrival with an orgy of dark brunettes & Pavement mixtapes;  lures for the weakest independents. We know your weak spots and we’re coming for you, Andrew.  As you would say to your targets, ‘you just got Whorehalled.â„¢’

Regards,

Satan (or just call me, Santa.  The kids do, their parents taught them to.
My most successful operation to date.)

Thank you for reading but here’s the bottom line;
You just got double whorehalled.â„¢

{aw |  for sockmonkeysound.com}

Pt.1: A letter to Doors fans and seplling snobs / Pt.2: A letter from Santa to AndyAndy Whorehall
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34 comments on "Pt.1: A letter to Doors fans and seplling snobs ..."

  1. Ouch on #2! However, I did get the point on all of the intentional misspellings. Shame on those who didn't. They need to let it go.

  2. Andrew,
    My issue was with your misspelling of the word "applies", not with your sophomoric, strained attempt at rapier (intentional misspelling of names). You are no Lester Bangs, hell you aren't even a Wil Pfiefer.

  3. I always assumed I was Will Pfeifer cause of that one time I dressed up like Daniel Plainview for an Oscar pool.

  4. Cottage Chables on

    I'm not even sure you are a christian sock monkey anymore… it's got me crying.. The Doors were dress up dolls with cock and balls…. you steal that quote and I'm gonna take action. But i'm not sure it's the kind of action that threatens anybody.. but it sounds mean. God bless you.

  5. You are an asshole.

    • Awww, choice words.
      You are a poet!
      Thanks for reading, score.

      Seriously though,
      since you've invited personal, direct coarse judgement,
      let's assume then in return:
      You're either a
      Doors fan,
      a teacher,
      a nurse,
      a drug user,
      – or you're 3 out of the 4 mentioned.
      .
      Choice words, keep trying.
      You just quadruple whorehalled™ yourself.
      aW

      • I'm leaning towards teacher. Note the correct grammar. That's one fellow who wouldn't misspell, "applies."

        • Andrew Whorehall on

          Sister & mom is/were, many friends, some enjoy it and love having all that paid time off, benefits, but I see enough up close to know it's about whining in many cases about how bad they have it. Most teachers and nurses don't know what it's like to not have a job opportunity with a college degree. They will always have opportunities, anywhere they seek to be. They fail to see the positives more often than not, gang up in their little union groups and 'wah wah wah' you're so mean, Superintendent! You're so mean State of IL, give us more more more for our poor poor poor students! The unions should be harassing & begging for support from the parents, many irresponsible breeding types out there. There's always a teachers strike in IL somewhere. Lazy. They just like more time off to watch their soaps or plan their next conception.

          Both fields need better of each. If you're going to do it, be the best or just end up like the rest; complaining and forgetting you have great benefits, retirement, summers off. Wah. Ahahahha.
          aW

  6. To DD: Not all teachers and nurses use personal, course judgement…just many of them.

  7. Andrew Whorehall on

    @Jojo
    Agreed. Most of the people I know with secure jobs are teachers and nurses.
    Most of the people I know with college degrees in anything but those professions do not have jobs. Teachers, nurses, drug users and Doors fans should reread point #1 made above.
    Seems as if the reader's retort becomes individualized on attacks vs. generalized attacks on subjects presented.

    It's almost as it they didn't retain point #1 made above;
    "Write your own f*cking article…"
    Choice words. Cheers.
    aW

  8. Dodi ist seely! Queremos mas tortugas in el mundo!

  9. Yo Dave… what's with the teacher bashing?

  10. wow. why don't you quit bitching and become a teacher if you think it's such a slam dunk profession…

  11. wut if he got a degree, wut u got? he prooved points
    seem lyke u got nuthin but gasoline and no matches dude!

  12. what?

  13. I love you Dave, but you are over-simplifying a very complex issue. Most teachers don't have 12-month contracts, they simply elect to stretch their pay over a 12-month period (and are paid accordingly). Outside of the class time, most teachers I work with spend incredible amounts of time grading, planning, tutoring, coaching, etc. Most teachers I know leave school every night exhausted, spend their evenings pouring over ideas as to how to improve their craft, and arrive every morning feeling confident and enthusiastic. Most teachers I know feel constant pressure to improve and refine their abilities, and are glad to take on the responsibility.

    Are their some problems with Unions and tenure? Sure. But you are making unfair generalizations. I wish you would consider the enourmous challenges facing public schools in low-income areas before casting judgement on the many people working hard to improve our communities. Teachers have many of the same concerns you do, and are trying to help.

  14. Also, the whinning– and yes it definitely exists–comes from a couple of things. First of all, any job where it's part of your job to make a large group of other people do their job is bound to be extemely stressful. It appears you feel that the stress/whine ratio is skewed. Maybe it is–I don't know; I've only had a few jobs. But with every job I have had, I had co-workers who complained constantly and co-workers who did their job, smiled, and tried to be good at it. Teaching has been no different.

    • In any profession, job, pro bono podcaster, musician, whatever… there are going to be whiners like Kevin said. There are also going to be people that don't want to have to work hard to earn their pay, or be unsatisfied with it. The complainers speak up (not to be confused with writers setting out to slam dunk or complain; this is more comparable to the latter, while the complainers in this forum are those who Dr. A Whorehall stated should use reason or write their own article in response) while the others are busy working, innovating,etc. Education is not exempt from those trying to just get by by doing as little as possible and complaining about it in the process. The system is not perfect, no system is. Hopefully that is the only reason we only hear negativity, but what else is the public left to think? Isn't great when we all start using our brains? We provoke, we explain, and everyone understands each side a little better! Its great that a bloated, half-wit like Morrison can be the catalyst for such a great universal discussion….

  15. Andrew Whorehall on

    Best comment, Jojo likuh the turtles!
    long live http://sydtheturtle.com
    aW

  16. I'd also like to point out how wonderful our nurses were at the maternity floor at RMH, how brilliant the Doors are, and how much I've enjoyed my time spent with addicts (just kidding about the Doors).

  17. We just need to have Mark on and do an episode where we talk about the Fuse.

    • axe him 2 talk bout making little bird or dat sons of bitches record
      mills neilson won a rami for all marks hard azz werk, crazeeshit LOL
      dat got 2 piss mark off!
      he make good azz music with mills
      we needs to know wheres dem raccoons hidin at now.
      dat studio had some shadee raccoons when mark & mills werent there!

  18. U2 is lame, IMO. I agree that we get more comments when folks are angry about something. As far as I'm concerned it's all about having conversations and interacting with the podcast audience and the readership. I wish more folks out there would comment on the episodes. How are we doing on that front?

  19. This is like being at an angry high school reunion! Go Titans! Let's have a new article about U2, aW! I'll throw the first stone: They started as a Christian band – not very cool. Plus, they haven't made an album I worth the price of a warm turd since 1989. How about that?

  20. Mark Muraski was my teacher one time. I've never forgotten how to properly coil a cable.

  21. this was a letter from SATAN to Andy correct?
    I think society needs to figure out the as long as social networking sites exist so will multiple personalities amongst its users…..SATAN wrote a letter not an actual person..
    pseudonym |ˈsoōdn-im|
    noun
    a fictitious name, esp. one used by an author

  22. Satire. Understand its meaning and purpose and embrace it!

  23. happened upon this on

    Happened accidentally upon this and your previous Doors item. Thought I'd take a moment to mention that both of these articles make me want to ralf. I've never previously had strong feelings about the Doors in one direction or the other. Your shitty writing is actually the best argument I've yet encountered for becoming a devoted Doors fan. (Alongside the classic Kids In The Hall sketch.)

    Not only is your Doors 'satire' not funny, it's not even satire: rather, it's a heavy-handed exercise in self-loathing. It's some pimple-faced twat making gestures that he hopes will be taken as marks of superior intelligence and 'brutal' candor, while simultaneously attempting to cloak these very ambitions in a 'shooting-from-the-hip' persona. In other words, in your initial piece, you're hedging your bets every step of the way, and in the subsequent piece you're simply amplifying and repeating your same sad desire to evade taking responsibility for your own work, warts and all, which makes it all the more obvious that you don't really believe yourself to be any fucking good in the first place.

    You realize, don't you, that you're every bit as much of a train wreck as Jim "Triple-Chin" DeRogatis? It's 'writers' like you who make my occasional attempts to read about music online into a headache.

    And if this makes sense, I don't mean this personally. You are probably a perfectly nice fellow (and probably Jim DeRogatis is too)—I don't know and don't care. I intend my comments to be taken exclusively in reference to this shite you've written.

    • The luck you have, to accidently happen upon 2 connected articles out of a few hundred here. Coincidence? Nah.

      You asked, "You realize, don't you, that you're every bit as much of a train wreck as Jim "Triple-Chin" DeRogatis?" I'll answer, no, I do not have three chins and my name is not Jim. You stated a problem you have, "It's 'writers' like you who make my occasional attempts to read about music online into a headache." I suggest Tylenol or Ibuprofen for future online reading exercises.

      Overall, thanks for reading; and thank you for taking some of your time to comment so passionately. It's commentators like you we write for; because no one happens to accidently comment on positive articles—and there's many here to accidently happen upon. We do it for you!

      Accidently, your wasted time became mine too.
      Regards,
      AW

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