Horrorscopes: 12-09-2010 | Gemini

Your really nice neighbors & a super giving boss provides you the news you’ve been needing for that new lease on life you & your caring office secretary email each other about- now make it happen!

By Mossy Vaughn & Andrew Whorehall | 12-09-2010



It’s easy to try to avoid or put off problems on Thursdays, but the more you ignore it, the worse it will get. Hard work is part of life, Gemini, which is something you’ll become very aware of on a special Friday morning when your boss is at home with your wife enjoying the fact you are at work and the kids are at school.  They’ve been getting together since the holiday party in 2004 but you’ve had no idea til now, 6 years later.  Your neighbors care for you Gemini and they are looking out for you 24/7, having kept journals and pictures to exchange amongst themselves for years while waiting for the right moment to tell you in a text message that you finally receive from Matthew Hand who lives 4 houses away from you but pulled the shortest straw between he & your other neighbors to tell you.  This has been really hard on them too, Gemini.

If you value your relationship with your boss and the city you live in knowing you can’t find another good job, but you sure as hell can find another hot wife or make more children, you’ll shift your other priorities around to deal with your wife’s unfulfilled issues behind her back in return- and right away.

On Sunday when the kids head off to church with their slutty Mother (& your future ex-wife), you will head into work to get a head start on the week’s work that your boss left you to do Thursday night before he got off of work Friday morning to get off with your wife in your home.  This is the home you will leave for the last time.  You will accidentally burn your entire house down on Sunday right after you leave for the office. Accidentally leave a gallon of gasoline on the oven stove top. You’ll leave all the top burners on high accidentally too.  You see, you meant to put it back in the garage Saturday when your wife asked you why it was in the house anyway.  Never answer.  Now you don’t have to anymore.  It would take a miracle anyway for her to put it in the garage herself if it bothers her that much.  Being as lazy as she is with the dishes in the sink there’s no need to fret. She’d rather lock herself in the bathroom 8 minutes a day to think of your boss with the silver bullet toy you got her in 2003.  Now you know why she’s in there every night between 10:00 til 10:08 with her phone while you watch ESPNNEWS.

Claim stupidity, Gemini, you’re not used to working on Sunday.  Claim stupidity and say you forgot to turn off the burners, forgot your keys, put the gallon down on the oven top, and then left. Burn that f*cker down while they’re at St. Peter’s church praying for their forgiveness together!

By then you will have had enough time to pack up your belongings to move into your office for awhile.  When news hits you that your house has burned down you will fake being sad for a few hours.  Your children will have lost all their toys, and your wife all of her belongings including the house you would have lost in divorce court because the law is biased towards really nice homes the males usually pay for.  You will fake sorrow for all these wonderful memories now up in smoke yet seek laughter and comfort with Karen from the office you now live at.  You will file for a divorce on Monday IMMEDIATELY citing irreconcilable differences due to fire damaged psychological trauma you will never recover from.

By Tuesday you will be legally separated because you gave the photos that another few neighbors, Michael, Teri & Louie, gathered to give you for your lawyer. Banging Karen, the office secretary in your new home- your office, when the co-workers go home to their faithful, spiritually fulfilled spouses will be unlike anything they will do for the rest of time with their night times and weekends. Don’t spend one minute worrying about your slutty ex-wife and the children you couldn’t afford to take care of anyway.  You will return the favor to your boss you made pretty wealthy on the Donaldson Foods, Inc. account by making love a few times with Karen, your new love & co-worker, on his desk and in his chair and everywhere, Gemini, EVERYWHERE!  Now is your time to pay back the system that under paid you for so long.

Don’t forget to thank your neighbors for looking out for you and your Boss for all the raises you’ll be giving yourself and to Karen on your new desk bed. A new lease for you and so much more- your life is on the up, Gemini!



{Mossy Vaughn photographed squirrels in his backyard begging for a little warmth in the dead of winter / Andrew Whorehall put on khakis again for work to make $7/hr after taxes thus proving he’s only working to afford the khakis, shoes, shirt & gas to put in the car to go to work. – SMS Ed.}

Horrorscopes: 12-09-2010 | GeminiAndy Whorehall