El Doug vs. The Local Elite: Part 1

{SMS Ed. NOTE: El Doug vs. The Local Elite is a new series that won’t be ending anytime soon.  Come back often to read the next 30,000 / 60,000 words. We’re giving away the first half of the book.  We have no idea what we’re doing with the other 30,000 words but chances are you will pay for the book’s production at Kickstarter because that’s what all the city leaders are doing now-a-days in Illinois to raise money to save cities from being attacked by Wisconsin, Indiana & IOWA!!!!! Oh God, Iowa. Iowa can be so mean. Ok? Ok.}

By Andy Whorehall


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‘El Doug’ is a good friend of mine. He’s been lurking in the shadows of these pieces for quite awhile, offering ideas in passing while choosing to remain anonymous. Til now. With permission he’s agreed to help this guy out of a nasty writer’s block.  A block created by old fashioned holiday cheer, winter cold, and direct email criticism. Top it off, The Decemberists recently released a great little record that can be summed up with one phrase, ‘R.E.M., before Bill Berry left.’ That’s a good thing, for both bands in 2011. It’s pretty hard to start off the year on the wrong foot when everything’s going great.

width=72You’re no Lester Bangs.  Hell.  You’re not even Will Pfeiffer. – Anonymous

You are 100% correct. My name is neither—nor did I ever claim to be a dead, rock journalist; or a small town movie buff / paid journalist.  If there’s any similarities I’m missing out on, send them to me because I enjoy their scribblings, and you’re still right. I’m neither one of those men mentioned, so I offer you zero apologies, ok? Ok. Thanks for reading.

width=200Then there’s the other kind of criticism, from childhood friends who loathe rock n’ roll, art, culture more than the average, say, alien. I don’t feel so qualified to write about music when I’ve got anti-arts advocates like my lifelong friend, D.A. Arbisi-Grobnik, throwin curve balls at me.

I don’t know how you do it man. Rock n’ Roll is a lie. A myth, an instigator for alcoholism, homelessness & irresponsibility. Feed the addicts, fuel the egos.  I like money, Andy. It pays the bills and feeds our faces. What band do you know of books a gig at Red Lobster to play for free crab legs? Thought so—not the bands you write about.

Say hello to Douglass Arthur Arbisi-Grobnik.  The man responsible for 2-3 phone calls a week that begin with: Listen to this…, I just saw…, and Did you see today’s paper?

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Did you see that article in the paper today?
Which one?

width=300Where the Elite Meet to Eat. The LOCAL ELITE LIKES TO EAT… in Rockford.  The Rockford Elite, irony- Get it?
Yeah, I get it- today’s paper?

Yep. Rick Nielsen, first paragraph, likes to eat at a restaurant he part owns; Dave Syverson likes to eat at that same restaurant he part owns with Rick; Mike Dunn likes to eat a cheeseburger at a bar he now owns that his son runs for him… uh… so the elite gets to name drop their businesses that they own too?  Free advertising.
Free irony if anything.

But us poor people?  ‘Here’s a billboard from Taco Bell & The Register Star. Thank you for making Taco Bell your best place to eat Mexican food!
Taco Johns is so much bett-

Here ya go moo moos, meet the elite. Oh & here’s some free advertising for the restaurants they co-own that they eat at while the rest of this town pays for their newspaper ads. The irony, Andy- it’s killin me.
Me too, Doug.

I gotta get outta this place.
Me too, Doug, me too.

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Doug & I would like to send free props out to everyone who has to pay any publication to advertise their local business.

width=273Businesses I do not co-own that I enjoy to eat at are: The Olympic Tavern, your Stuffed Chicken Breast Dinner & No-Bread Fred preferably; to the Deli Italia, your Basil-Tomato-Mozarella sandwich; Capri, the BEST pizza in town; and also to Chens, Nunzios, and Tito’s Kitchen. There’s many more. Your presence on the north west side makes poor people—non-elitists & local hobos—feel elite.

width=175To the elitists, hipsters, local celebrities & leaders, El Doug has a few more plugs for restaurants he & I don’t co-own.

I love the local places rich white people eat at, it’s their right to, but I prefer to eat at Chipotle, Noodles, Chilis & B-DUBS. Red Lobster, for my hard earned money, is the best anti-elitist joint in town though.
Damn it, Doug. Did ya have to tell ’em for free? Now they know.

Bye bye, wall.

AW | andy whorehall
{Email |  Web }

SMS Ed. Note: Sales representatives looking to advertise their chain restaurant businesses on Sock Monkey Sound, please contact us. We’re not too hip or elite to turn your marketing interests down, or your ad dollars.  We’re very poor, most of us unemployed or self-employed. We like money, spicy garlic wings, reserved tables or booths, fire-roasted guacamole sauce, complimentary drinks, crab legs, free dessert, & the barbacoa burrito bowl with 3 crispy taco shells on the side.

El Doug vs. The Local Elite: Part 1Andy Whorehall
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