By Andy Whorehall
These are dietetic times.
– Douglass Arthur Arbisi-Grobnik
Doug’s been so poor for so long he’s invented new ways to diet without realizing he has til now. He told me he’s been sitting on this secret for a couple of winters but anytime he opens up about an idea with Oprah’s name, I doubt his secret’s origin.
Oprah could make a fortune off me or my ideas. Last winter I ate oatmeal for 6 weeks straight, a little hard salami thrown in there, no bread, an occasional banana & coffee. I cut out beer & soda for 2 months. Stupid, I know. No, it actually sounds healthy, kind of responsible for you, Doug. Every now & then I’d splurge, eat a box of Nerds, a bowl of Cheerios or a whole pack of bacon in one sitting. I lost 24 pounds. ‘A Poor Man’s Diet,’ by El Douggie. Accidentally misprint 500 copies that read, The Rockford Diet for book collecting, art nerds. I’ll thank the city, a lack of work & money, for writing my first book. Oprah, Dr. Phil, are you reading this? This is a great idea, Doug. People who buy diet books will be all over this slacker diet idea.
Here’s the problem, Andy. Oh boy. The people that buy diet books, Jesus, look in your wallet first. The only thing you need to know ISN’T there. Money. Overweight people everywhere can’t lose 24 pounds with the new Bob Greene diet book they bought for $19.99 on Amazon.com that Oprah or Dr. Phil props their names on. And there goes another great idea. Out the window with one swig and an exhale. A loaded exhale. The scent of BBQ & alcohol hovering from his breath, El Douggie continues his mathematical breakdown on the purchase of a diet book. Not just any diet book, but an Oprah or Dr. Phil endorsed diet book.
I could be off but lets say Oprah or Dr. Phil gets $4, maybe more, from the sale of that book. Then the publisher gets a cut, maybe all of it? What do I get? An advance?! F that, here, look in my wallet, do you see anything in there I want to give you? No. I’ll keep my 19.99 & pay out $4 to myself instead of Oprah or Dr. Philly. Do you know what you can buy with $4?! 3 weeks worth of oatmeal, Andy. Really? 20 packs, 20 days. Do the math. All the money you can save & lose weight with if you put down that Oprah book. My diet will cost you $12-$16 without a $20 book. Morons. Yep, and there goes Oprah & Dr. Phil’s endorsement on any book Doug or I writes. That last bit just cost you and me a couple million, Doug.
It’s not that difficult to figure out- use your fucking brain, your eyes, man! The Secret to Dieting is in my wallet, Andy. Trust me, there’s nothing to it. No money, no eat.?El Doug strikes again, no money, no eat! The real secret to dieting sounds more like a bumper sticker now.
I’m telling you, people are idiots. The fact they can’t figure out how to live economically to eventually lose 20 pounds bothers me every time I go to WalMart for inspiration; or see pictures of Rockford area dinner galas. People in suits celebrating local success with a nice meal.
1) You’re celebrating Success in Rockford. 2) Bragging to a majority poor about your success over a nice meal is pretty cruel. 3) There’s a reason you’re fat America. You ate too much. 4) Think more, eat less. 5) Enough of the Galas, you got nothing to be proud about Rockford. 6) Cheap Trick doesn’t count. Ok, I see your point but you’re drifting with the Trickster nod. 7) Everyone has a fucking brain- use it. It helps you lose weight. There we go, back on the rails.
The Galas in this town are extra fat–brain fat! Don’t they know how ironic they look to us? We’re one of the least successful cities, communities, in the United States of America. Why do they disregard the math and opt for a celebration meal anyway Jesus, these are dietetic times! Yes they are. Here let me break that down for you too! Bartendar- shots, a couple of menus. Menus? The bartender plops em down, Doug hands me one and says, Yeah, imagine this menu is an estimate. I gotta take a piss, hold that thought. Just imagine this is a fucking estimate.
Hold that thought–the sauce is kickin in good and these are dietetic times.
AW | andy whorehall