By Andy Whorehall
– Douglass El Doggie Arthur Arbisi-Grobnik
Doug takes a swig from his 4th black & tan. I’ve got this recipe for dieting I’ve been sitting on. Really? Yeah. People, hell, Oprah, all these fatties feeling overweight would eat this shit up. No pun intended either. It works for me every time I put on the extra 24 pounds & two chins. Listen to this. Ok. This should come with an ‘El Doggie’ reminder in case he steps over the line; or already did with the intro.
When ‘the’ Doug is out of line, the boys & I tend to call him, ‘El Doggie.’ He earned that nickname after years of referencing himself in 3rd person narratives while providing recaps on drunk one nighters, extra-marital events, or other affairs of the heart me & the boys live vicariously through. Our wives & girlfriends don’t care much for ‘the’ Doggie, but they always ask how the Doug’s doing. Little do they know of his repeat advances to us.
Dude, if you’re tired of banging your lady, listen, for $5 I will. It’s either me or some jerk in a suit out on a bender with his frat boy friends you don’t know. Your call. I wish I could go lower on my rate but that’s as low as I go. It’s my Rockford rate.
He’s not joking. ‘The Rockford Rate.’ That’s why we love him. The problem isn’t Doug with snakelike offers, the problems are our wives & girlfriends. They would do ‘the’ Doug for free if they could. We know that deep down; he’s got a great beard the gals call the Brad Pitt beard. Natural, tan, European by descent and just as dirty most days. Opting to shower every 3-4 days, Maintaining my mystique 1 less shower than the average human being. He defends his hygeine often. But he’s got rules on affairs and won’t cross the line for a certain price. Everything is math & profit in Doug’s world.
Aside from the lack of showering detail, most men, even the wealthiest, powerful, political scumbags that run most cities and companies into the ground are jealous of El Doug. For someone so poor (a part-time, BBQ sauce stirrer), he does very well with the ladies. Even when they aren’t his, his standards are pretty high. If they can’t afford me, they can’t have me! I learned that in college- what a waste. That goes for everything in life- bartender! Two shots, Jameson, and a lime for me. The lime certifies El Doggie time is here, hang on. This is normal preparation for a lengthy story or in this case, an El Doug million dollar secret.
Pounding the shot and plopping the lime in his mouth, he drops his head back for a minute. Sucking the sour juice out of the lime, wincing like a joker and bringing his head forward to spit the skin out into the palm of his hand, he nudges my elbow, Dude, I don’t know if I should tell you my secret to dieting. Why Doug?
It could be worth millions. Fuck, it could be the one shitty idea that finally gets me outta this shithole. The 1 idea you and I or anyone we know would just laugh at; that millions of fat fuckers would eat up! The irony! It always goes back to the fucking irony Andy! So I ask you, W.W.D.D.? Oh boy, what would Doug do? 3rd person narrative enters stage right, Douglass Arthur Arbisi-Grobnik exits straight down.
Fuck it, I’ll tell you what Doug is gonna do! I’m gonna give you, my favorite, real, facebook friend, the million dollar idea I’ve been sitting on for 3 winters. Why me Doggie?
Face it Andy, I can’t make a dime for my ideas. We live in ‘Rockford, IL- the international gateway to Belvidere, IL.’ I heard Larry King say that once to a caller on his TV show. Fucking nerd… pervert. Anyway, you know I couldn’t sell a fucking sticker let alone a diet recipe. Oprah could care less about you or I, we’re poor, we live in RACKfird- we don’t have breasts or children, nor do we believe in the garbage she & her empire markets to people with low self-esteem. Yes, Doggie, you are right. Who says the mob runs Chicago? Oprah does. She’s no different than you or ‘the’ El Doug; we’re just as righteous. Messianic even. So, ok, as I was saying about this secret diet I’ve been sitting on.
I’ll apologize now on my friend’s behalf, but this is why we call him El Doggie; especially when introducing stories and secrets in 3rd person narratives with the and El bunched up with references to the Messiah, himself, and Oprah. You’ve been warned but he does have a secret to share that could help people lose weight & save money, that you & I plan to make millions off of.
Afterall, that’s what Douglass Arthur Arbisi-Grobnik & Oprah Winfrey would team up to do too.
AW | andy whorehall