By Andy Whorehall
Ideas are worthless if you can’t pay your bills with them.
– Douglass Arthur Arbisi-Grobnik
His birth name is Douglass Arthur Arbisi-Grobnik. We call him El Doug, D.A., & a few other nicknames. The son of a Rockford-Italian on his mother’s side; and the grandson of a respected Polish-Chicagoan accordion player, Slats Grobnik, on his father’s side. He’s the best friend you can have in this world, says it how it is whether you like it or not. A direct reflection of his own roots.
Grand-Pop’s Grobnik used to argue that, this world went to sh*t when the accordion was replaced by guitars. All the idiots came outta their woodsheds and made the rock music. Garbage. You kids now a days don’t even know what music is. I’d rather you all be deaf than listen to that nonsense. G.P.Grobnik was a great man but carried a total disregard for the arts after his beloved accordion was replaced by the guitar.
Thus, El Doug grew up to love sports and hate music, art— anything that promotes a life of misery, filth, depression, alcoholism, homelessness & poor hygiene- which lest I remind you is quite f*cking different than filth. You want me to go on? And he does.
He can go on and on about Science and Sports vs. Art. He believes, ideas are worthless if you can’t pay your bills with them. Even if you offer to disagree he’ll prove one way or another he is right and you are wrong. The Doug is always right.
The boys & I tend to call him El Doggie when he’s out of line. Reasons for this are too early to tell you, and the ladies may not like why. So let’s focus on the first priority, ‘how did Douglass Arthur Arbisi-Grobnik become El Doug?’ How did the ‘El’ end up in front of Douglass Arthur Arbisi-Grobnik’s abbreviated first name?
Ha. Wouldn’t you like to know more about the El Doug? You filthy, disgusting, dead & dreaming city dwellers. I’ve got BBQ sauce to stir, later! Yes, El Doggie, and in the 3rd person? Now get to work–there’s an average of 7 to 18 unemployed people waiting in the imaginary employment line for you to lose your welfare-waged job.