Don’t think twice, it’s all right.

Confusing, comedic, stuff n’ things I love about Andrew Kaufman & Randy Macho Man Savage yet loathe about Michael Jordan and Jesus fans.

Starring Randall Poffo  and Robert Zimmerman too.
{Performance art, conspiracies, wrestling, comedic methods & communication devices plus a mix tape playlist to consider before telling someone to F*ck off.
Warning: This could get messy, chances are it will.}

by Andy Whorehall

"Don't

Andy,

There are many ways to tell someone off.  There are many ways to get a point across without swearing.  The silent treatment works wonders, it really does, but does it really get the point across?  Music always seems to deliver the finest f-off messages known to man.  Wrestling, comedy, poems can send a message loud and clear too.

While most kids worshiped Han Solo, I preferred Boba Fett, an assassin who played both sides as perfectly as he could while letting actions speak for demands made of him.   He did as told but only upon payment.   Not much different than being an American in 2010, yes?  Boba Fett eventually suffered a pointless character death much so like his creator’s (George Lucas) film career— off the deep end and into the quicksands of time.  The string of late 1990s Star Wars films confirms what I felt as a child, no connection at all to George Lucas’s films, zero beginning and zero closure.  In some ways this was one of the loudest-yet-silent F-offs handed to an entire generation in favor of trying to please the masses through pop cultural methods; toys, value meals, underroos.

Enter a few taunting pop culture art forms, comedy and wrestling.   Each field led by true anti-artists whose legacies are proving to be far greater an artistic achievement than George Lucas’ film career;  Andy Kaufman and Randy Macho Man Savage.

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Macho

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Sith

According to various rumors, Randall Macho Man Poffo has been banned from the WWF (WWE) for life.  A roman tragedy.  The juiciest rumor implies that Savage may have slept with wrestling mogul, Jim McMahon’s daughter, Stephanie, who was 18 at the time (and super muscular, just the way Randy likes them.). I’ve chosen to believe the report that he refused to merge his career in the direction Jim McMahon was going with business and cable TV plans.  He bailed on McMahon taking one of wrestling’s major endorser, Slim Jim, with him elsewhere.  McMahon’s enterprise returned the favor with a lifetime ban.   The latter is the truth, it killed the art of enjoying wrestling for performance art’s worth over enjoying football or other fake, scripted, American sports like the NBA for many people.

The NBA is a modern day version of the 1980s WWF, It has never survived the loss of it’s main, marketable, Roman Hero character, Air Jordan.  The NBA struck gold with Michael, he becoming the ultimate prima-donna-prototype for marketing an overpaid, egotistical, ball hog.  A champion on the court (as was scripted by the NBA) but his off court actions proves otherwise.  To error is human.   Horrible gambling habits (enough so that what he gambles would save a city from economic depression) that forced him to take an early retirement to, uh, play baseball for the same owner that ran the NBA team he played for. Hmm, coincidence?  No— character protection.  His divorce, which warranted a very quick settlement, was the most paid settlement in the history of divorce settlements at the time, 2006.   Juanita turns out smarter than Mike in business ventures.  (A note to very successful men, stay  away from strippers and the thousand dollar an hour escorts.)   I wouldn’t doubt his divorce is financially backed as well and has been paid and protected for by the NBA to protect it’s biggest marketable image. Call it a conspiracy but I wouldn’t put it past the NBA for investment and profit gain reasons alone remaining on Jordan’s image, legacy and the NBA’s growing mistrust from the public.  An early, quick retirement from the NBA were amidst gambling allegations that I still believe were forced down upon by the NBA to protect his on-court marketable image as many sports critics smarter than I believe as well.

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"Air

I just offered a pretty slimy set of assumptions but hiding the facts are not an uncommon practice for American, capitalist-like business models merged with athletics to pull off for profit and protection.  Face it, it’s best to be a fan of nothing sports related because advertising and marketing athletics is about as slimy as tag-team American capitalism gets— Real Estate and Banking are closing in so fast they’re rewriting the American Dream everyday, rich scumbags everywhere making fools out of you and me.  Liars everywhere, doubt every product, every sale, doubt every word including these.

Now, I’m not blaming Michael, let’s blame the NBA for making the character they made and portrayed for profit and protection.  After all, Jordan is anything but air, he is simply human as proven by his actions off the court.  What did he do again that was so great?  He put little orange balls through a metal red rim.  Big deal. A different kind of performance artist I’d rather not enjoy nor trust with my dollars and sense.

Andy Kaufman’s career, life, is the blueprint for perfecting performance art and placing trust in the buyer;  a believer in a limited abstract craft like Andy’s— to make people laugh and think simultaneously.  Living art. Kaufman possessed communication skills that blurred the line between reality and performance art, a true gift.  He regularly, like Bob Dylan, referred to himself as being a song and dance man instead of a comedian or entertainer.  His abstract ability to confuse yet humor, with no gray area, is a communication skill you understand or you don’t from a listening and viewing perspective.  Andy’s abstract comedic style was no less different than the great Randy Macho Man Savage’s wrestling persona too.  One phrase could define their parallel skills as being, in your face. Randy enjoyed talking too much to the camera and Andy enjoyed messing with the camera to get inside the heads of those on the other side of it, us.

Watch Macho Man sell the Slim Jim goods with an opening line that altogether mocks art and literature; Art thou bored? Some unlucky sap making 24k/year working in an ad firm probably wrote that line for him to which I offer, thank you— you’re brilliant but I hope you left advertising, it’s scummy.

I never quite understood the Star Wars thing as my school mates did but when Andy merged comedy with wrestling, it was unlike anything you’d beg your parents to take you to, to see on the big screen.  Excitement and comedic awe awaits every old Andy clip I can find.  So much so I’d rather watch old footage of Andy Kaufman than talk to another human being about how my or your day has been.  Here’s an example, Andy giving hygiene lessons to hillbillies after a wrestling match went bad in Memphis:

Seeing Andy wrestle on TV in the Southern league was free on Saturday and late Sunday morning airings with recaps on ABC sometimes.  People my age around me forget wrestling used to air from Midwestern high school gyms like Boylan H.S. in Rockford, IL, the middle of nowhere.  The arenas and cable TV fought for ad dollars, rights and larger venues eventually leaving markets like Rockford’s in the dark aside from a yearly visit to the Metro Centre for TNT Nitro events.   Wrestling over the course of the late 70s to the early 90s rose to squash specific hillbilly-like municipal markets with awesome, target-audience, precision.

Andy spent about 3 and a half years chasing his childhood dream after he decided being on TV’s hit show, Taxi, was below him and needed to offset that paying job with one that didn’t pay a dollar to entertain.

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Jerry Lawler, Andy’s main nemesis in the Southern (Memphis) league, eventually confessed it was all a hoax they scripted 10 years after Andy’s rumored death from lung cancer in 1984.  NOTE: Kaufman never smoked but told many close to him his final joke would be faking his death to escape the public’s eye.  Andy is or was awesome whatever you choose to believe.  Imagine being a kid, wondering what the hell Andy Kaufman was going to do next?  I never believed the news of his death then and now.  I refuse to believe he ever died.  Maybe the greatest song and dance act is the last one either way.

For my money, I’ve learned more about how one should tell someone off from Andy Kaufman’s actions over anyone else.  Have you ever faced a question or statement you don’t want to reply to?  Recite a lyric from a song or book, never show the cards.  Not even Jesus perfected the art of a comeback, being nice got him killed, right?  He was a passive pushover and died for what?  To forgive you and me?  Sorry, that’s foo foo and if I’m wrong I’d be more than willing to discuss why at the gates of a mythological place called Heaven.  Let’s face the facts the media fails to advertise, he wasn’t white and that beard is questionable.

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A

People with power issues still make decisions to fight for possession of oil, land, control for financial gain, growth and what nots.  If you’re real, go forgive them, Jesus.  I’m doing ok forgiving myself. Good health, instead of forgiveness from a super-hero sold by religious organizations, goes a lot farther in this cruel world.   Science 1, Art 0.

Being silent is a wonderful act if you’ve got someone to tell off- it’s the christian thing to do, sure, but being nice and quiet gets a person nowhere in this world.  It’s all about survival.  See Michael Jordan, a great liar;  SUPER rich and SUPER creepy just like chefs who run businesses can be.  See Randy Macho Man Savage, a large, muscular, brilliant performance artist/liar;  Slim Jim paid for his retirement but something we aren’t supposed to know about got him banned from wrestling.  See Bob Dylan, one of the best liars ever, he may have made lots of children with many ladies in many states, he may have not- the song and dance champ, a prophet even, maybe.  Andy Kaufman, my personal favorite liar, died of lung cancer but never smoked and still makes me laugh consistently for over 30 years.

They didn’t so much as tell lies or act out lies, they perfected them and made people believe in their craft regardless of profession.  A beautiful result combining performance art & silently telling everyone off their way without ever having to use the F word.  An example, Andy performs The Great Gatsby on national TV— Saturday Night Live, please sit through his awful, fake, English accent and listen to the audience get testy, it’s brilliant:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IL3Dp6Oh3Fw
{ed note- Embedding is disabled for this video so you have to follow the link to check it out.}

Andy was known to read the entire Great Gatsby on his college stand-up gigs, often driving them to the exit door when they realized, this is not a joke, this is real, f*ck him.

Sometimes you just have to let it out though, holding in all those F words do come in handy.  The greatest live television moment regarding telling someone off came courtesy of the David Letterman show in 1982 starring Andy Kaufman and Jerry The King Lawler.  Lawler was a very popular wrestler in the late 70s and was approached by Andy to start a feud.  The feud blurred the lines between reality and art.  Take a look and learn from the greatest Andy moment ever on how to use the F word properly:

I always imagine I’m Andy takin’ the initial hit, Jerry Lawler’s hand slap, just to earn the right to snap on those I consider my demon Jerrys;  friends, family, the general public, Wal-Mart, a’Merica, shady athletes, perverted politicians, our deceitful government, banks, my mortgage loan officer, employers and bad bosses I never had a chance to call their initial, pathetic, bluffs on.  Most times an act of silence works well but there’s still no closure and passive thoughts accumulate regardless.

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...

If swearing isn’t your thing, consider digging out your old cassette or CD boom-box and pulling a John Cusack (watch Say Anything if you’re too young to know) with a Bob Dylan song.  Instead of playing Peter Gabriel’s In Your Eyes really loud, gather the song I’ll reveal below as performed by many artists.  Burn them to a disc or dub them from cassette to cassette— another age old, pointless, romantic art form that died with technology and the advancement of womens rights to deny such meaningless, chivalrous acts.

Only one song must be shared with your emotional offender.  The point can not be made otherwise. This mix will prove your love’s lasting worth and provide the friendship a stronger base to move forward with on separate paths.  The message in Bob Dylan’s Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right could go both ways depending on which lyrics one retains or recites, depending on days and moods.  The song metaphorically represents 2 very famous, emotional, ‘F’ word statements and how to use them simultaneous upon delivery; I f*rgive you and go f*ck yourself.

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Sith

If playing this song doesn’t work, send her a box of Manolo shoes with abstract, red, Bic penned engravings on the leather. If she’s not a shoes kinda gal, send her more than a few $10 gift certificates to Wal-Mart and Cinnabon inside a box of non-vegetarian items— assuming most women are now vegetarians too.  Seriously though, too each their own, but what’s up with many gals not eating the meat?  You’re missing out.  Now, for you women needing advice on what to send a guy;  send him a box of Star Wars figures with the arms missing or half of a Michael Jordan (or Ted Williams) rookie card.  If he’s not that type of guy and you fear he may find that rather funny, just send him a 3-night vacation package to Rockford, IL with a gift card that can only be used for coffee and books at the property located at 1280 South Alpine Road, Rockford, IL.  He’ll love the coffee & hot chicks that used to party hard there.  He’ll never be able to thank you properly.

Back to the boom-box, approach your offender, stand tough, arms above you like that sad sap Cusack character and press the ‘Play/Pause’ button down.

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Stand

Side A

1. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right — Bob Dylan / Live At The Gaslight – 1962

2. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right — Ramblin’ Jack Elliott / Vanguard Visionaries

3. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right — Billy Paul / The Best of Billy Paul

4. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right —  Bryan Ferry / Frantic

5. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right — Johnny Cash / Orange Blossom Special

6. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right — Peter, Paul and Mary / Best of

7. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right —  Elvis Presley / Walk a Mile In My Shoes

8.  Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right — Melanie / As I See It Now

9.  Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right — Ted Lennon (W/Brett Dennen) / The Calm

10. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right (Demo) — Bob Dylan / The Bootleg Series, Vol. 7: No Direction Home

Side B

11. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right —  Waylon Jennings / Phase One 58-64

12. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right —  John Martyn / London Conversations

13. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right —  Bob Dylan / The Bootleg Series, Vol. 6: Bob Dylan Live 1964 – Concert at Philharmonic Hall

14. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right —  Nick Drake / Tanworth-in-Arden

15. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right —  Donkey Boy (USA) / & The Anthony Graigs < Free MP3

16. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right —  Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons (Performing as The Wonder Who?) / Jersey Beat

17. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right —  Bob Dylan & The Band / Before The Flood

18. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right —  Odetta / Odetta Sings Dylan

19. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right —  Mike Ness / Cheating at Solitaire

20. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right —  Bob Dylan / The Freewheelin Bob Dylan

Many different versions of the same song, the same words but delivered with different emotions.  Depending on the day and moods, one always hits home. Whatever you do,DO NOT include Joan Baez’s version. If you’re asked why she’s missing from the mix, vaguely recite a different Dylan line from the masterpiece, Desolation Row;  I had to rearrange their faces and give them all another name.

Who cares what follows, your subject is thinking too hard for once.  Remember to do as Andy sometimes would do to people, practice stage hypnosis.  Don’t smile, everyone wants you too but you’ll lose the wheel, bye-bye closure.  Finally, wait for your subject to stare back or get angry for no reason, then, turn around and walk away.  Don’t think twice, it’s all right.

(For Joe Angileri, the perfect laugh for an F bomb story featuring real people and events.)

dD  |  andywhorehall.com

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Two more Kaufman moments, so many and not enough time.

Andy on the Dating Game show.
The key line:  I want food
.

Andy plays his favorite 45 record.
The sweetest, silent, child-like irony of lip-syncing Here I come to save the day!
(‘Shh, don’t tell anyone though, I may fail.’)

Don't think twice, it's all right.Andy Whorehall
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